We can't believe it has been just over 4 months since our last blog post. Time is seriously flying by and its a little crazy! But also good. We have been so happy and truly blessed that these last 7 months have flown by like they have. So this is going to be the end of our crazy chapter. We never thought that this last blog post of this crazy time of our lives would ever happen, but we are so happy that it actually is happening. Maybe I will find something else to blog about now instead of weird pregnancy cancer problems... haha
So our last blog post talked about how I had to switch treatments. These treatments happened every other week so I had two treatments a month. The first few treatments really didn't bother me. It was the usual feeling tired and feeling just a little "off" but then about the 3rd or 4th treatment I felt the nausea. I felt like I just wanted to lay in bed and not do anything. With some treatments I wanted to eat every second and with others I wanted to vomit just when thinking about food. I never really knew how my body was going to react with every treatment because something would be different every time so that was actually really annoying. It also got to the point where certain smells, like alcohol prep pads, or even the thought of me getting treatments made me sick. Feeling my port or looking at it was something else that made me just feel kinda disgusted. It was just a weird thing.
My HCG levels, which are my tumor marker, decided to be really stubborn at the end. The goal was for it to hit negative which is considered 3 or lower. At the end my levels went from 5 to 4 to 4 again and then finally fell to a 1 and now just recently went to zero. So the amount of treatments that I received was more than we were expecting and that was so obnoxious. I will tell you, God has tested our faith, and patience like crazy with this whole experience. Sometimes to the point where its was like "ok, can we have a break please, why can't it all just be done?" and actually it got to be so annoying at times that it became a little humorous how things just were not going the way they needed to. But we are and were quickly reminded that God has a plan and his plan is perfect.
My last treatment was such a weird feeling. Like I still can't believe I am done. It was the best feeling walking out of the doctors office knowing I was never going back literally. Mike and I moved the day after to Kansas City, Missouri. I got my port out right after I was done with my treatment. We finished everything in just the nick of time. It was kind of a crazy whirlwind but it was good to get it all done. I am so happy my port is gone. I hated that thing. Really it was just annoying and would bug me, but it did save my veins thats for sure. Anyways, It was a good day to be done with everything and to be moving on with our lives. They made me ring the cancer bell. I didn't want to but they wanted me too so I did and it was awkward haha.
We moved to Missouri because Mike is attending medical school. So I will be doing my followup visits here with a new doctor. The follow up visits just consist of me getting my blood drawn every month for however long, we will see what he says, and then from there Im pretty much done with this whole thing. So yeah thats about all it is. Nothing too exciting really. Just hoping that my levels stay down in the negative range and for some rare reason they won't spike back up.
When we found out that we had to terminate our pregnancy, we went back and forth wondering if we should name our little boy. We kinda felt weird about it and decided we weren't going to (we were in a really weird place emotionally, mentally and physically). A few months after, the subject would somehow be brought up between Mike and I on a few occasions and we both just had a really strong feeling that our baby wanted to be named. We went through our list of names we were thinking about for him and we decided his name was Jackson. Ever since we have given him a name, we have felt almost a big relief. It was a weird but awesome feeling. We are so happy we named him. It feels good and it feels right.
There is not a day that goes by (literally) where I do not think about Jackson. I wonder what he is doing all the time. I still feel him near when I'm thinking about him, or having a day where I need a reminder that he is ok and everything happens for a reason. We love him so much it has been an incredible experience to feel how much love a parent has for their child. The saying, "Families can be together forever" has a whole new meaning to me now. I have always believed that but now it just has so much more meaning. I am so grateful I know that it is possible for this to happen. That when we die we will still be with our families. How could something so great, like your family, have an end? We find a lot of comfort knowing that our little Jackson is with his relatives that have passed on and we know that he is loved and being taken care of for sure. I know he is happy. I know whatever he is doing over there is way more important than being here physically with us. We can't wait for the day we will be reunited with him. That will be a very happy day.
We just want to say thank you to everyone. All the kind words, the amount of thoughts and prayers have been amazing. We are so appreciative of it. We know that your prayers and our prayers were heard and were answered. Thank you so much. The amount of love and kindness has been amazing.We couldn't have done it without you all.
We know that things do happen for a reason. We know that we probably won't understand why this had to happen to us in this life or at this time. We trust God and the plan he has for us. He has never failed us, he always knows best. We have learned and have grown immensely with this whole experience and will be forever grateful for that. Thank you again to everyone who has been there and supported us through this really hard time in our life we love you all! Also thanks for reading our really long blog posts! :)
Now off to our new exciting chapter in life in Kansas City, Missouri..wish us luck! ;)
Mike & Amy
